Growing up as a baby-gay in the early 2000s, things were a little different. We had to be a little more closeted, and careful about our expression of “who” we really were. And while my family was very supportive after the initial shock of my sexuality, there was an education and foundation that really couldn’t come from them.
Chosen families became the true backbone of our new existence as young gays. We entered the orbits of those around us with gravitas who helped to guide and shape us with experiences and more than a few fabulous garden parties.
Robert Nead was the first person to show me true kindness, love, and grace. Outside of my own parents few have had as much of an influence on my life as this man.
The mind of a General, the Soul of Budda
Robert had a once-in-a-generation kind of mind. After his officer’s training at the Naval Academy, he went on to attend Brown where he was awarded with a Bachelors in Arts for English Literature.
After completing his military service In Vietnam as the Commanding officer of a PT River Boat, Robert went on to attend Oregon State University where he was again awarded a Master of Arts in Business Communications.
Robert’s grasp of all things around him was salient, and he strived to be a student of life. The education I got from him was worth more than anything I received formally.
He was just someone you could talk to, and seemingly he always had the answers. Robert was the person we all went to when we needed our direction repointed and our compasses checked.
Life was always about the Adventure
To us baby-gays, back in the beginning, Robert had been everywhere, and done everything. For him, life was made up of what adventures were about. He was the king of fuck-around-and-find-out, but did so with an effortless grace that was truly astounding to us all.
He wasn’t about inserting himself into a conversation however, they always seemed to make their way into his privy. He had this booming tenor to his voice that created a sense of gentle confidence.
Midsummer Saturday nights at Rainbow Mountain, an LGBTQA+ resort in the Pocono Mountains, were always fun. Robert and I would take our little walks around the grounds. Now nothing nefarious was about, but for sure we had our own moments of joy on those cool evenings.
He would say in that father-like voice “Joey, let’s go see what’s about on the hill!” And away we would go!
He’s loved totally and completely
There were some conflicting stories about how Robert and Tom (Robert’s life partner and later husband of 47 years) met. Both were living in New York City at the time, and I believe there may have been a tryst in Central Park involved, but that can not be confirmed or denied. Needless to say, their relationship was the archetype and bar we all measured the rest of our relationships against.
We all wanted what Tom and Robert had. A true, honest, sharing, loving partnership in life.
And while I know firsthand that things were not always easy, their love for each other was as complete as any between two people could be. The droning of the day-to-day never seemed to detract from Robert’s amazement with Tom. He would say “I struck gold when I found Shang” – Tom’s Drag Prosona, Shangri-La De Da.
During one of Tom’s and Robert’s regular summer garden parties, after we had all been libated with our fair-share of Mama-Gimlets (The house cocktail of the Clan De Da) Robert told us a story of when he was living in Asia for a year on business and Tom came to visit him.
Tom emerged from the Airport Jetway, towering over the stereotypically shorter population, as a then Platinum Blond. Robert referred to this timeframe as “Shang’s Blond Period”. But it was just one of many examples of the playfulness of their existence together. That loving joy between Robert and Tom was what collectively captured us all.
Dignity in Step with Time
Robert’s later years required some planning. He had some life-affirming health challenges, but he was prepared to meet them with that Robert-ness-like-grace. He said to me once that there was no way to stop the march of time, so why fight it. And that is exactly what he did.
At some point, life took me in a different direction. I moved out of the area, and on to another chapter of my existence, causing our friendship to grow apart.
Robert always told me that these were things that just happened and that we shouldn’t be concerned with them, as true friendships are the kind where time and distance apart are just a pause. If your relationship is strong, you pick right back up where you left off.
A wise man once told me that at some point, this existence begins to start taking people you love away. The important thing to remember was their life and the impact it had on yours. Robert was once again that wise man always there with exactly the right thing to say just when you needed it.
Robert was as close to me as my own father, and in many ways was my “gay-dad”. I like to say my father showed me how to be a “man”, but Robert provided me with the tools to be a gentle one.
Goodbye, my friend, and till we meet again, on the next plane.
Robert Norman Nead
